The Christ-Centered Home
Colossians 3:18-21
Today, in our verse-by-verse study of Paul letter to the Colossians, the scriptures meet us right where we live—in our homes and families. The scriptures are clear that God designed marriage and family, and our home-life functions best when we follow God’s intended design and order. Unfortunately, attitudes toward marriage and family in our day seem to be growing more and more cynical. Rather than being a sanctuary of unconditional love, many marriages and families become sources of deep wounds and dysfunctional relationships.
Kent Hughes tells the story of a seven-year-old girl who had just seen the movie Cinderella and was testing her neighbor lady’s knowledge of the story. The neighbor said to the little girl, “I know how the story ends.” “How?” asked the girl. “Cinderella and the prince live happily ever after.” To which the little girl answered, “Oh no, they didn’t. They got married!”[1] For many today, home and family are a far cry from the blessings that are promised in scripture.
Let me remind you that the book of Colossians focuses on the supremacy and sufficiency of the Lord Jesus Christ. In Colossians 1, Paul grounded us in the truth by focusing on the preeminence Christ—that He is the creator and sustainer of all things in whom the fullness of God dwells, and that He is the Savior who has reconciled us to God by His death and resurrection. In Colossians 2, Paul guarded the church from error by emphasizing the sufficiency of Christ over all false religious systems and philosophies.
Now, in Colossians 3, Paul applies these truths to us so that we would grow in Christ, beginning the chapter with the instruction, “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God.” (Col. 3:1). That means we are to pursue, to desire, to seek after heavenly things—the things of Christ. First, we saw in Colossians 3:5-11 that this principle of seeking the things of Christ must be expressed in our purity. We put away our old life of sin and embrace the holiness of Christ.
Second, we saw that this heavenly life in Christ is expressed in our unity as the body of Christ. We will be bearing with and forgiving one another, and love will bind us together. The peace of Christ will rule our interactions, the word of Christ will fill our gatherings, and the name of Christ control our words and actions.
Now, in Colossians 3:18-21, we see that the Christ-centered life will be expressed in Christ-centered homes and families. What is God’s design for family, and how can we have the relationships God meant us to have? Paul gives us a brief summary of God’s pattern for family relationships in the Christ-centered home.
The Christ-centered family lives under the lordship of Jesus Christ. The different roles and responsibilities of family members are simply their way of living out the principle of Colossians 3:17, “And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.” The reason that a wife can fulfill her role of submission to her husband, the reason that a husband can love his wife, the reason that children can obey their parents and parents can encourage their children—it is this: Christ Jesus is Lord. He must reign supreme in all our family relationships.
In the Christ-centered home:
1. Wives submit to husbands in the Lord (Col. 3:18)
Paul instructs, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” (Col. 3:18). There may be “no verse in the Bible that is as concise and obvious in its meaning and yet so controversial and difficult to apply practically as Colossians 3:18.”[2] Of course, this isn’t the only passage that deals with submission and authority in the marriage relationship. Others include: 1 Corinthians 11:3, 14:34-35; Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Timothy 2:11-14; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:1-6).
The word that Paul uses for “submit” is one that means “to place under” or “arrange under” someone else. God has ordained the principle of authority and submission in a number of different spheres: Citizens are to be subject to civil authorities (Rom. 13:1; Titus 3:1); slaves to their masters (Col. 3:22; Titus 2:9); church members to their leaders (1 Cor. 16:16; Titus 2:15; Heb. 13:17); children to their parents (Col. 3:20); and wives to their husbands (Eph. 5:22, 24; Col. 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Pet. 3:1).
This, of course, in no way implies inferiority of personhood. The Bible clearly teaches the equality of both genders in value and salvation in Christ. Galatians 3:28 says about our equal standing in salvation, ” There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Rather, submission speaks of the order to be followed. This word was used in military settings to refer to how one officer ranked beneath the authority of another. When I was a lieutenant in the Air Force, I had a higher rank and responsibility than a sergeant. But I can tell you this, most of the sergeants that I worked with were probably more skilled and capable than I was. Their rank did not imply that they were lesser men, and my rank did not imply I was more important. But good order in the military requires a chain of command. A wise lieutenant always respects and listens well to the wisdom of his sergeants. And a godly husband respects and listens to his wife. Men and women are equally important in Christ and yet there is still a distinction of role within the home.
Paul uses the passive imperative of “submit” with a middle voice which signifies the voluntary subjection of the wife to her husband. It means she willingly puts herself under her husband’s authority. She does it “as is fitting in the Lord.” Once again, this puts Christ in the center of it all. God designed the home, and it is fitting in the Lord that wives submit to their husbands. Paul gives the same instructions in Ephesians 5 where this is fleshed out even more. There, he writes,
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. (Eph. 5:22-24).
The church’s submission to Christ is the model for a wife’s submission to her husband. This implies several things. First, this command does not say that all women are to be subordinated to all men. The context shows that it is a wife being submitted to only one man’s headship authority—that of her own husband. Second, it does not imply that the wife is passive. A submissive wife will still be able to share her thoughts and feelings with her husband and even correct him when he is clearly in the wrong. Third, this command is to the wife, not the husband. The bible never commands husbands to subject their wives or force their submission. In fact, the bible never commands the husband to lead or exercise headship. Instead, it calls him to love and respect his wife.
Is this command only for Christians marriages? What if your husband is not a believer? We must consider 1 Peter 3:1-2: “1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” Some Christian wives have unbelieving husbands, or a husband who is a professing believer but is difficult, cantankerous, or disobedient to God’s word.
What should the wife do? First, she should make sure that her behavior, attitude, and words, display a “gentle and quiet spirit,” (1 Pet. 3:4). “Gentle” means “strength under control.” “Quiet” means not being contentious or argumentative. They should be able to “observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear” (1 Pet. 3:2). Sometimes (but not always) God will use a wife’s godly behavior to bring her disobedient husband to repentance and faith. But whatever his response, she will know that she is pleasing the Lord.
A wife must never submit to join her husband in sinful behavior. Submission does not mean a wife must subject herself or her children to abuse. If her husband threatens violence or is violent against her or the children, she should flee to a place of safety. If he has been physically violent or he’s using illegal drugs in the home, she should report him to the police. God ordained the government to punish evildoers and protect law-abiding citizens. No man should be allowed to bully his family and cause them to live in constant fear because of his violent temper.
If you’re in a difficult situation, I encourage you to seek godly counsel. Find a mature woman of God to confide in and pray with. The command for a wife to submit is never license for a husband to be abusive. An abusive husband needs to repent.
That brings us to husbands. In the Christ-centered home,
2. Husbands love wives gently (Col. 3:19)
Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.” The word “love” in this verse is what we call “agape” love. It is the same word we looked at in Colossian 3:14 where we were told to put on love as the supreme virtue. Agape love is the love that willingly sacrifices self in order to serve the other; the sort of love that is willing to give of oneself in order to seek the good of the one loved; the sort of love that moves someone to lay down his own rights, and disregard his own needs, in order to meet the needs of another. It is the love which God demonstrated for us when Jesus sacrificed Himself on the cross for our sins. In fact, the parallel passage in Ephesians 5 makes exactly that comparison: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,” (Eph. 5:25). That’s a tall order, men. The husband is to love his own wife in the same way as Jesus loves His church.
Steven Cole points out that biblical love is just a feeling; it is a commitment. Paul commands husbands to love their wives. You can’t command a feeling, but you can command a commitment. In our day, we fall in love and marry our lovers. But in Paul’s day, most marriages were arranged by the parents. So, Paul is not saying that love is the basis for marriage (as we practice it), but rather that marriage is the basis for love. Loving your wife is a matter of obedience to Christ.[3]
Paul then expands on this command for husbands to love their wives writing, “and do not be bitter toward them.” In classical Greek, this word “regularly denotes the bitterness associated with disappointment, hate and anger.”[4] Exercising harsh authority is wrong for Christians husbands. You lead in the home by loving your wife and being gentle and considerate with her.
Husbands, you need to guard against a bitter heart that reacts to your wife with harshness rather than sweetness. If you are overbearing, harsh, or critical in your relationship with your wife, you are not fulfilling your role as God intends. Bitterness results in a feeling of distance and alienation. A lot of husbands poison their families by being grumpy and depressed and then they get angry when the family reflects it back to them. The apostle Peter instructed, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
These commands to wives and husbands work together. In the marriage relationship, there should be a mutual desire to please each other, as we read in 1 Corinthians 7: “But he who is married cares about … how he may please his wife,” and “she who is married cares about … how she may please her husband.” (1 Cor. 7:33-34). When the husband fulfilles his role in the marriage and the wife fulfills hers, it will minimize the problems in our marriages. The problems grow when we start focusing on the other’s role instead of our own – when the wife demands that her husband fulfill his role, or the husband demands that his wife fulfill hers. Instead, both spouse’s actions must be Christ-centered.
When we look at this first pair of commands, what is really going on is that both husband and wife are called to be Christ-centered in the marriage relationship. The wife is being Christ-centered when she submits to her husband the way the church submits to Christ. And the husband is being Christ-centered when he loves his wife the way Jesus loves the church. We want Christ at the center of all our relationships, and that is what a Christ-centered marriage relationship looks like.
Next, we see that in a Christ-centered home,
3. Children obey parents (Col. 3:20)
Colossians 3:20 says, “Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.”
The word for “children” here is not the word for little children but rather children by relationship, so this command would refer to any child still living in the home. And notice that the command here is to “obey” rather than to voluntary submit. The parent-child relationship is much different from the husband-wife relationship. Notice that the child is to obey their parents “in all things.” In other words, the child doesn’t get to pick and choose what to obey. The only exception would be if the parents asked the child to do something in direct disobedience against God’s law.
They’re to do this as if they were obeying God. Because, in a very real sense, they are. A child that wants to obey God must obey parental authority. And if a child disobeys them, he or she literally rebels against God. Such obedience to parents “is well pleasing to the Lord.” And Jesus set the example for us in His earthly life. He obeyed both His earthly parents (see Luke 3:51) and His heavenly Father (John 5:30; John 6:38; John 8:29). Kids, Jesus obeyed his parents and so you are being Christ-like when you obey your parents. If you are a child in your parents’ home this morning, God calls you to obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Finally, we see that in a Christ-centered home,
4. Fathers encourage children (Col 3:21)
Paul expresses this in the negative in Colossians 3:21, writing, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” The positive way of saying that is, “Fathers, encourage your children.” Although this verse is addressed specifically to fathers as the head of the home, the command certainly applies to mothers as well. As parents we have been given far-reaching authority in our children’s lives, but we must be careful to use that authority lovingly and wisely.
The word translated “provoke” is a word that means “to stir up, irritate, agitate, or exasperate.” We find a similar command in the parallel passage in Ephesians: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4). The word translated “discouraged” here is a word that means “to be disheartened, dispirited, or broken in spirit.”
So how do we provoke or exasperate our children? We do it when we are harsh with them, when we make unreasonable demands, when we yell or criticize, when we depreciates them by name-calling, when we are excessive in our discipline, when we fail to show tenderness and affection.
The parent child relationship is one of the most important relationships God has given us, and as parents we should be filled with compassion for our children. Tender mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering, forbearance, forgiveness, and love (Col. 3:12-14) should be the hallmarks of our parenting, not harsh discipline. As parents, we must discipline our children, but we must always discipline in love. Your children should be as sure of your love for them as they are of your authority. Fathers, do not break the spirit of your children by harsh treatment.
There is so much more that we could say from the rest of scripture about a Christ-centered, but these are the principles that the Holy Spirit impresses on us from Colossians 3.
A happy home isn’t an accident. It comes as a result of being a Christ-centered home that follows God’s order and commands. May God help us to keep His instructions for Christ-centered family care. And may we treat one another in our families as He has commanded us. If we do, we will greatly improve the possibility that we’ll experience the sort of joy and fulfillment He has designed for us to enjoy in our families. Is Christ the center of your home?
Today, as we have heard the word of God, the Holy Spirit may be working in your heart and teaching you, encouraging you, rebuking you, or training you in righteousness. Will you respond to Him today? Will you make a commitment to be that wife, that husband, that child, that parent who is Christ-centered?
It begins by having Christ at the center of your life. Maybe you are here and thinking, I could never live up to those commands. I have blown it in my family life. Let me encourage you today, there is hope for you. Turn from your old life of sin. Turn to the Savior Jesus Christ. He purchased salvation for you through His death on the cross. He gives eternal life through His resurrection from the dead. He lives as Lord and King to transform your life into His holy likeness. And you can receive this free gift of salvation, the forgiveness of your sins, and a new, eternal life by repenting and believing in Jesus. He will save you and transform you today.
[1] Kent Hughes, The Supremacy of Christ,115-116. Quoted by https://www.preceptaustin.org/colossians_317-25#3:18.
[2] Steven Cole, https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-24-submissive-wives-really-colossians-318.
[3] Cole, ibid.
[4] G. T. D. Angel, in The New International Dictionary of New Testament Theology, ed. by Colin Brown [Zondervan], 1:202. Quoted by Cole, ibid.
